Current mood:	out of control
Current music:	shinedown-barrel of a 45

response to you
where to begin......i know you don't want me around him and i understand why but he's not the only one to blame for what happened. it was both our faults. i have to take responsibility for my part in it too. i see your point and you're entitled to your feelings about all of it but you can't force me to feel the same way. if you want to walk away and be done with what was the 1719 family that's fine. no one can stop you and i'm not gonna try. that's your decision to make, to make the decision that you think is right for you, what you want. that's all up to you as it is up to me to make the decison for myself. you can't impose your rules and decisions on me. i belong to you but you don't own me. i have to make up my own mind, do what i feel. i know you don't like that but you need to let me live, to choose for myself what path i'm gonna take. i changed because of that house, good or bad. i like the changes and i want to keep them and i'm thankful everyday for the people that helped to make them. he's one of those people. he's a part of why i have become the person i have become. all of you are. i wouldn't be who i am, who you love, who loves you if it weren't for everything and everyone. maybe we'd still have stayed together either way but we'll never know and it would be different. i don't want to walk away and say goodbye to the people that changed me. that made me a better person and showed me that i can be worth something. that i can have a fmaily of people that love me and want me around without having to. you all showed me what family was even if know things have fallen apart between some of us and changed. we still had those times, those moments, those memories. i want to hold on to it. i know the decision i made then wasn't the right one but it happened. that was then. just cause i made a mistake before does NOT doom me to repeat it. nor does it doom him to repeat. everyone makes mistakes. i'm not taking a chance again cause it's NOT going to happen again. i'm not the girl i was then. it won't get me what i want, it will take it all away and i know that. circumstances have changed and i've learned. i know i don't get another chance, we'd be done. this is it. i wasn't just talking, i can't live without you. i need you. that's why i WON'T put myself in a situation that i might lose you. just being around him does NOT put me that situation. i can be around people without anything happening. you're never just hung out with someone without having a plan of what you're going to do in advance? it happens, alot. sometimes i just wanna go and be around my friends for a while and not go home right away. it doesn't matter what we're gonna do because it's a getaway, spur of the moment. when we plan to do something i tell you. how can i tell you beforehand if we don't plan it and just go with what happens? i can't. i hate lying to you but sometimes the fights that would come aren't worth it. i don't lie because i'm doing something wrong, i do it cause it keeps the peace for a while. i don't like the lectures and the attitude i get from you when i tell you i'm gonna do something when you want me to do something else. i don't wanna sit there all the time. i wanna get out and do something, anything. i'm not happy just being anymore. i need to live. i'm not doing anything to make you worry so you need to relax abit. if you question it, what are the reasons? why did you make the decision you did and why do you think it might not have been the right one? that's something you need to decide and i need to hear. no one likes feeling out of control, especially you. i know that from your personality. control is very important for you but sometimes you just need to let go abit. if someone you're close to makes you feel out of control, that's love. love isn't about being in control. it isn't about reason. it's the opposite of all that. it's letting go and holding on and thinking and feeling and surrender and so much more. i don't like it either, especially that i feel that you have so much control over me. that i don't make a decision without thinking about you. every second of everyday the only permanent thing on my mind is you. you make me the happiest person in the world and you make me the saddest. you make me laugh and you make me scream. you make me smile and you make me cry. i hate it and love it at the same time. i don't like that you have that much power over me. i know that's also part of love, them being able to make you feel a certain way but i don't like it. maybe the part i don't like is that you know you have it and you use it. i don't know anymore. what do you mean her explanation is a load of shit? i don't understand. i don't understand much of anything anymore. it seems like everything is falling apart and coming together at the same time and i don't get that. i don't like it. you asked me before what the hidden meaning was to barrel of a 45. what does it mean to you?