?

Log in

Jess
19 October 2005 @ 09:28 am
TLC-Damaged

Read more...Collapse )

Luther Vandross-Buy Me a Rose

Read more...Collapse )

Clay Aiken-The Way

Read more...Collapse )

LeAnn Rimes-I Need You

Read more...Collapse )

Clay Aiken-Love of My Life

Read more...Collapse )
 
 
Current Mood: discontentthinking and crying
Current Music: my own sobs
 
 
Jess
03 October 2005 @ 09:27 am
kelly clarkson - addicted

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me


kelly clarkson - because of you

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you


kelly clarkson - beautiful disaster

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Hold me tight

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's beautiful
Lord he's beautiful
He's beautiful
 
 
Current Mood: depressedcant live in a world like this
Current Music: kelly clarkson - breakaway album
 
 
Jess
17 September 2005 @ 06:56 pm
List 3 things that bug you - things that others may find trivial. Then tag 6 of your friends. Only list 3 things because you may/can be tagged again.

1.) voicemail messages that just say call me or are unimportant - i don't know about you but i'm kinda busy. i work for a living and go to school. i don't have time to check my voicemail and call you back. if it's important leave me a message saying so and why i need to call. otherwise you get nothing. i'll get to you when and if i get to you.

2.) people who think everything needs to be done and that exact second - i'll get to it when i get to it. if it needs to be done now it will be otherwise it can wait til i have a second or feel like doing it. it's not vital, RELAX! other people ahve things going on besides you

3.) people that try to one up you and your problems - we all have shit going on in our lives, both good and bad. it's not a fucking contest. i don't need to know every detail of your life and you don't need to know every detail of mine. if i do you'll know about it and vice versa. otherwise lay off. that's how life works. deal with it. not everyone cares. you don't have to come up with something to try and top someone else or just so you have something to say. sometimes all people want is someone to listen and pretend they care and say damn that sux sorry

tagging
1.)kill_creation
2.)punkrawkjamie - yes you get it back
3.)dirtresearch
4.)valkos
5.)grimmy6669
6.)wolf_ii

sorry i don't have many friends on this thing
 
 
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: voices in my head
 
 
Jess
07 September 2005 @ 09:40 am
1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
my answersCollapse )
 
 
Current Mood: okayokay i guess
Current Music: fish bubbles
 
 
Jess
31 August 2005 @ 10:14 am
even through all this i always thought that she'd come back to me, that she'd stand by me again someday. well that thought has been completely eliminated and now i am forever abandoned and alone. i thought the betrayal was temporary that it was what worked in the moment but now i know it won't be. this is permanent. this is eternal. this is what it's like to have the one person you thought could never leave turn their back and walk away. no not walk, run. run away. from me, from everything. running doesn't make me go away or the problems. it doesn't solve anything. i thought you would have learned that but i guess not. maybe you will when you see that it's over. when you turn around to find me and i'm gone. forever lost to you. forever out of reach and earshot. your words mean nothing to me. actions speak so much louder and your's say goodbye i won't help you i don't love you. i know you love me but not it the way that i need, that you should. so this is it. this is the end. this is goodbye. i wish we could have gone on forever like we should have but apparently you had other ideas. other dreams that didn't involve me. i thought i was the other part of you, what made you whole. i guess not. i'm nothing like you and i won't be. i could never do the things you did. never thought you could. i thought i meant something to you, that i was important. i thought wrong. you've showed me that. i can't go back to the way things were, ever. i won't look back and wonder. i'm moving on without you. same as you are doing without me. i love you because of who you are and could have, should have been. but i can't love you like this. i can't live like this and i won't so this is it. this is the end. this is where we part forever, goodbye. i'll miss the memories we could have had but never will. you don't deserve my love after what you've done but it's your's. i can't change that. i don't know if i want to. i don't know anymore. my world has been turned upside down and inside out and pulled apart and the peices will never go back together like they were. it's not possible. there isn't a place for you in it anymore. i'm done. i'm done with you. i don't know if you'll be able to put your peices back without me but you'll have to. that's the choice you've made. life will never be the same for us, will never be what it could have. this is where we move on without eachother, alone. goodbye. wait fuck the good part. there isn't going to be anything good about it. things shouldn't be like this. the only good part is maybe we can finally get on with our lives and quit living in the past, in the future that we dream of but will never come. no use hoping for tomorrow. there won't be one. it's over. bye.
 
 
Current Mood: lonelycommitted to the end alone
Current Music: pink-family portrait
 
 
 
Jess
29 July 2005 @ 08:44 am
MARTINA MCBRIDE - "HOW FAR"

There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh never come back

There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh when's it gonna end

[Chorus:]
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far

There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be

[Chorus]

Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
YeahI'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
 
 
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: see above
 
 
Jess
18 June 2005 @ 04:32 pm
last night was pretty fucked up and amazing at the same time. i can't begin to describe to you what happened or how it affected those of us who were there. first, i want to say thank you to all of you. you don't know how much it meant to me to have that night. for us to be in a room together and just hang out again. i know it was strained and hard for all parties but i'm so thankful it happened and the effort was put in to do so. maybe, just maybem this won't be the end of us. second, you don't know how much i love you. i was lost in a world all my own when you sang to me/for me i'm not sure. nothing else existed anymore. it was just me and you. swirling together in the stars in my mind. i got that glazedm dreamy look in my eyes and i wasn't there anymore. all i could think about and hear was you. if it was possible i fell even more in love with you then. it was the most amazing moment in my life. one i will cherish forever. and how you held me afterwards just made everything even better. it made it real. i just wanted you to know that. i want you to know how much i love you and i'm going to do everything i can to make this work cause i don't wanna lose you. you mean the world to me. thank you. third, i didn't fully realize it at the time but i was singing that song for you. i knew partially but not really how much until she knew it too. i meant every word of it baby. fourth, i hurt but in a good way. amazing. fifth, what the hell got into us? all of us. dude, i dunno but it was funny as hell. and so not fair. how'd we get like this? not a damn clue. oh well. life is good. live it while you can.
VIVA LA MEMORIES!!!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Image hosted by Photobucket.com Image hosted by Photobucket.com Image hosted by Photobucket.com Image hosted by Photobucket.com
 
 
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: i wanna be there-blessd union of souls
 
 
Jess
11 June 2005 @ 08:05 pm
1719  
for those of you that care and were there, that know what it was to be a part of that and want to hold on
join the 1719 community http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=1719
yes we've started a community specifically to remember what was and will always be 1719

love to you all
jess
VIVA LA 1719!
 
 
Current Mood: cheerfuli'm ok are you ok?
Current Music: la vie boheme
 
 
Jess
03 June 2005 @ 10:18 am
where to begin......i know you don't want me around him and i understand why but he's not the only one to blame for what happened. it was both our faults. i have to take responsibility for my part in it too. i see your point and you're entitled to your feelings about all of it but you can't force me to feel the same way. if you want to walk away and be done with what was the 1719 family that's fine. no one can stop you and i'm not gonna try. that's your decision to make, to make the decision that you think is right for you, what you want. that's all up to you as it is up to me to make the decison for myself. you can't impose your rules and decisions on me. i belong to you but you don't own me. i have to make up my own mind, do what i feel. i know you don't like that but you need to let me live, to choose for myself what path i'm gonna take. i changed because of that house, good or bad. i like the changes and i want to keep them and i'm thankful everyday for the people that helped to make them. he's one of those people. he's a part of why i have become the person i have become. all of you are. i wouldn't be who i am, who you love, who loves you if it weren't for everything and everyone. maybe we'd still have stayed together either way but we'll never know and it would be different. i don't want to walk away and say goodbye to the people that changed me. that made me a better person and showed me that i can be worth something. that i can have a fmaily of people that love me and want me around without having to. you all showed me what family was even if know things have fallen apart between some of us and changed. we still had those times, those moments, those memories. i want to hold on to it. i know the decision i made then wasn't the right one but it happened. that was then. just cause i made a mistake before does NOT doom me to repeat it. nor does it doom him to repeat. everyone makes mistakes. i'm not taking a chance again cause it's NOT going to happen again. i'm not the girl i was then. it won't get me what i want, it will take it all away and i know that. circumstances have changed and i've learned. i know i don't get another chance, we'd be done. this is it. i wasn't just talking, i can't live without you. i need you. that's why i WON'T put myself in a situation that i might lose you. just being around him does NOT put me that situation. i can be around people without anything happening. you're never just hung out with someone without having a plan of what you're going to do in advance? it happens, alot. sometimes i just wanna go and be around my friends for a while and not go home right away. it doesn't matter what we're gonna do because it's a getaway, spur of the moment. when we plan to do something i tell you. how can i tell you beforehand if we don't plan it and just go with what happens? i can't. i hate lying to you but sometimes the fights that would come aren't worth it. i don't lie because i'm doing something wrong, i do it cause it keeps the peace for a while. i don't like the lectures and the attitude i get from you when i tell you i'm gonna do something when you want me to do something else. i don't wanna sit there all the time. i wanna get out and do something, anything. i'm not happy just being anymore. i need to live. i'm not doing anything to make you worry so you need to relax abit. if you question it, what are the reasons? why did you make the decision you did and why do you think it might not have been the right one? that's something you need to decide and i need to hear. no one likes feeling out of control, especially you. i know that from your personality. control is very important for you but sometimes you just need to let go abit. if someone you're close to makes you feel out of control, that's love. love isn't about being in control. it isn't about reason. it's the opposite of all that. it's letting go and holding on and thinking and feeling and surrender and so much more. i don't like it either, especially that i feel that you have so much control over me. that i don't make a decision without thinking about you. every second of everyday the only permanent thing on my mind is you. you make me the happiest person in the world and you make me the saddest. you make me laugh and you make me scream. you make me smile and you make me cry. i hate it and love it at the same time. i don't like that you have that much power over me. i know that's also part of love, them being able to make you feel a certain way but i don't like it. maybe the part i don't like is that you know you have it and you use it. i don't know anymore. what do you mean her explanation is a load of shit? i don't understand. i don't understand much of anything anymore. it seems like everything is falling apart and coming together at the same time and i don't get that. i don't like it. you asked me before what the hidden meaning was to barrel of a 45. what does it mean to you?
 
 
Current Mood: scaredout of control
Current Music: shinedown-barrel of a 45
 
 
Jess
01 June 2005 @ 09:34 am
well i haven't been updating lately.....i don't know......i just haven't really felt like telling the world what's going on, how i am, what i feel, etc......you understand......well alot has been going on for a while now.....hell breaks loose in a week.......we'll see how that goes......i just want it to all be over so i can go back to living cause i'm not right now.....but at least i haven't cried in a while......wait, that's a lie.....but it had been a while before that day and at least it wasn't like my usual bawlfests.....more fights......more lack of understanding......more questions......less answers.....less trust.....less hope.....in anything.....i don't know what to do.....i don't know what i want......if i can do this......lots of good talks with her.......thank you......it helps.....you make me see a diffenent side and admit out loud things i'm scared to think.....i know you don't like it but i'm glad you stand by me anyway.....i don't know what i'd do without you, without our talks, without your support......it's you that has stopped me from saying those words that i can't or shouldn't say, that'll change everything, possibly ruin everything......it's just been so hard to hold back but it wouldn't be fair to anyone to jump that far.......how can i move forward without the necessary first steps, the changes that must be made for happiness, for life, for survival.......i can't, i won't.....so here i stand thanx to you......thank you.....she's running wild again.....going off.....not thinking, just living.....she needs to stop for a moment.....i'm kinda nervous but at least she seems happier......he's always thinking, not living......i want him to stop for a moment.......i realize now they both have their pros and cons......you need a balance......neither of them have it......does anyone?......sometimes i wish i could just let go and forget about being practical, forget about having a plan.....just live......other times i wish i could stop myself for a moment to think about what i'm doing, what i want, where i'm going, who i'm taking with me, what i do to them.......will i ever find the middle ground? know the situations that call for a each response?.....i wish i could just sort out what's in my head but given present circumstances that's not possible.......someday......maybe......oneday
 
 
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: no doubt - tragic kingdom